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Spectrum Transgender
Group of Western NY
P.O. Box 596
Buffalo, NY 14207

Poetry by Amber Dobiesz

The Horror

Can't catch my breath
To remember as far back as I can
Seems like I'm being choked
God it sears like a burning knife
Causes so much pain
Oh the horror, the horror
Thinking, feeling, acting like a little girl
Dresses, curly hair, dolls, toys fit for a little princess
Then the surgeries by uncaring hands
Oh the horror, the horror
Way too young to know, way too young to complain, to understand
It was so unfair, no way to make a stand
Oh the horror, the horror
Turned into a boy — Huh?
Didn't want it, didn't ask for it, wasn't one
The beatings received for crying
Oh the horror, the horror
To be put into such a state, such painful times
Growing up playing a part, the show seemed to run forever
It seemed never to end, the curtain refused to fall
Oh the horror, the horror
Growing into middle age feeling empty
Trying to rely on a gun to say goodbye
Oh the horror, the horror
Somehow, some uncontrollable hand forced a life altering change
Finally coming back to my feminine roots
Coming to grips with my true self
Feeling the agony, the pain, the brutal loss of pieces of my heart
As my children, two parts of my soul
Walked away, hurt and angry and confused
By their dad's death
Oh God, the empty feeling I felt
Oh the horror, the horror
Finally the pain is less
Still there, but not so ripping, so raw
Finally free! No more spiritual hurt
Happy with my life, as this feminine contentment grows
It's over, the horror, all hints of masculinity gone
At last I'm free, at peace, happy, happy to smile
To be alive, to see a happy female reflection
Starting back when I look into a mirror
The horror? Gone!
The horror? Dead, put to rest
No more horror
No more horror


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